SINGAPORE: Recently on Instagram, I scrolled past old friends I used to meet frequently. One had gone through a divorce and recently remarried. One changed her hairstyle. One has a new cat.
I learned this from a series of 30-second reels and captioned square grids. It has been a while since I saw them.
I dare say most of us have at least one such friend – someone we used to go to school with, sat beside at work, or even flew across oceans with.
When our paths diverged, we tried to stay close. But life got in the way.
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Some catch-ups were postponed. Gradually, they spread further apart. Then, one day, you find yourself mostly watching their lives from the other side of a phone screen.
More than one in five people globally report frequent loneliness, according to a study by analytics and research firm Gallup.
Loneliness is commonly framed as the consequence of not having a partner or children. But declining adult friendships may be an important part of the picture.
At the Singapore Perspectives 2026 conference in January, Minister of State for Digital Development and Information Jasmin Lau asked how many in the audience had a friend whom they could call for an emergency at 2am.
The real question here is the depth of our core relationships.
And midlife is when many friendships fade – not because of a fight, but simply because one is too busy to notice.
I remember a time when it was normal to pick up the phone and dial a friend. Sometimes, this might lead to an impromptu hangout.
In school days, this could mean doing homework adjacently while listening to music. In early adulthood, you might commiserate over cheap drinks.
But when we hit our mid-30s and 40s, this becomes rarer. Torn between screaming kids, ailing parents, mounting workload and waning energy, friendships often seem the least pressing of our to-dos, and scheduling replaces spontaneity.
Today, most of us rarely call a friend without texting in advance to check availability. And we schedule catch-ups days or weeks in advance.
Sometimes, dates get inadvertently postponed – illness, deadlines, caregiving obligations. In some cases, it gets relegated to an open-ended “Let’s catch up soon.”
In childhood, adolescence and early adulthood, friendship was more effortless. Schools, extracurricular activities, workplaces and hobbies set the scene for bonding. And like minds naturally came together.
But proximity and time are not givens in adult friendships. People move to different jobs, neighbourhoods, and life phases with different caregiving and healthcare needs.
Our modern life also makes it harder. There are fewer reasons to meet in person today. Netflix has overtaken the cinema, Spotify has superseded CD hunting, and e-commerce has eclipsed in-store shopping.
Without putting in the work, even close friendships can slowly fizzle out.
I have two young kids and often watch them making friends in the playground. After playing alongside another child for a while, they would typically suggest a common activity – a game of catch, for instance.
Sometimes, the other child would reject their overture. But despite being mildly crestfallen, my kids would usually try again, sometimes with a different child.
Friendship requires courage and vulnerability. And that applies to adult friendships too. Someone must be the first to suggest a coffee date, a homecooked dinner or a trip together – and in doing so, risk rejection.
But as we grow older, we seem to become more averse to emotional risk. Perhaps that is why the average age at which we meet our best friend is 21, according to a global study commissioned by Snapchat in 2019.
Artificial intelligence has also changed the stakes. Sycophantic chatbots have become easy placebos for connection without the messiness of human relationships – no awkwardness, no disappointment, no need for reciprocity.
As it is, several of my friends have begun to confide in AI, especially during sleepless nights when worries keep them awake. It has become their default 2am friend.
But though AI can give you the right words at the right moment, it cannot journey with you the way a friend can. And the danger of over-reliance on AI is that over time, we may hold humans to machine standards and forget how to tolerate friction and imperfections, a prerequisite for human connection.
My secondary school group gets around scheduling issues by having meet-up rituals. It is still not easy – these sessions have to be arranged a month in advance. But for close to three decades, we have met every festive season and birthday.
We were there through one another’s first relationships, first breakups, first jobs, first house purchases. Now that we have demanding jobs, young kids and ageing parents, we often gather at someone’s home.
Five hours, six women. Everyone talks at once – work changes, kid problems, health scares, family issues and every small win. It is like an IOS update and mass sync.
I know this may not sound terribly exciting. But I have come to realise that in a long friendship, both the extraordinary and ordinary moments compound.
Midlife need not be where friendships go to die. It is precisely when our lives diverge that friendship becomes more intentional. This is the time when relationships either tighten or dissolve.
That said, if you get through this long middle stretch intact, time can transform quiet, unassuming friendships into something irreplaceable.
After all, through heady adolescence, grinding midlife and the bittersweet sunset years, it is a rare privilege and comfort to journey beside a friend.
Annie Tan is a freelance writer based in Singapore.
Continue reading...
I learned this from a series of 30-second reels and captioned square grids. It has been a while since I saw them.
I dare say most of us have at least one such friend – someone we used to go to school with, sat beside at work, or even flew across oceans with.
When our paths diverged, we tried to stay close. But life got in the way.
CNA Games
Show More Show Less
Some catch-ups were postponed. Gradually, they spread further apart. Then, one day, you find yourself mostly watching their lives from the other side of a phone screen.
More than one in five people globally report frequent loneliness, according to a study by analytics and research firm Gallup.
Loneliness is commonly framed as the consequence of not having a partner or children. But declining adult friendships may be an important part of the picture.
At the Singapore Perspectives 2026 conference in January, Minister of State for Digital Development and Information Jasmin Lau asked how many in the audience had a friend whom they could call for an emergency at 2am.
The real question here is the depth of our core relationships.
And midlife is when many friendships fade – not because of a fight, but simply because one is too busy to notice.
IT BEGINS WITH “LET’S CATCH UP SOON”
I remember a time when it was normal to pick up the phone and dial a friend. Sometimes, this might lead to an impromptu hangout.
In school days, this could mean doing homework adjacently while listening to music. In early adulthood, you might commiserate over cheap drinks.
But when we hit our mid-30s and 40s, this becomes rarer. Torn between screaming kids, ailing parents, mounting workload and waning energy, friendships often seem the least pressing of our to-dos, and scheduling replaces spontaneity.
Related:
Today, most of us rarely call a friend without texting in advance to check availability. And we schedule catch-ups days or weeks in advance.
Sometimes, dates get inadvertently postponed – illness, deadlines, caregiving obligations. In some cases, it gets relegated to an open-ended “Let’s catch up soon.”
In childhood, adolescence and early adulthood, friendship was more effortless. Schools, extracurricular activities, workplaces and hobbies set the scene for bonding. And like minds naturally came together.
But proximity and time are not givens in adult friendships. People move to different jobs, neighbourhoods, and life phases with different caregiving and healthcare needs.
Our modern life also makes it harder. There are fewer reasons to meet in person today. Netflix has overtaken the cinema, Spotify has superseded CD hunting, and e-commerce has eclipsed in-store shopping.
Without putting in the work, even close friendships can slowly fizzle out.
Related:
DO WE STOP MAKING CLOSE FRIENDS AS WE AGE?
I have two young kids and often watch them making friends in the playground. After playing alongside another child for a while, they would typically suggest a common activity – a game of catch, for instance.
Sometimes, the other child would reject their overture. But despite being mildly crestfallen, my kids would usually try again, sometimes with a different child.
Friendship requires courage and vulnerability. And that applies to adult friendships too. Someone must be the first to suggest a coffee date, a homecooked dinner or a trip together – and in doing so, risk rejection.
But as we grow older, we seem to become more averse to emotional risk. Perhaps that is why the average age at which we meet our best friend is 21, according to a global study commissioned by Snapchat in 2019.
Artificial intelligence has also changed the stakes. Sycophantic chatbots have become easy placebos for connection without the messiness of human relationships – no awkwardness, no disappointment, no need for reciprocity.
As it is, several of my friends have begun to confide in AI, especially during sleepless nights when worries keep them awake. It has become their default 2am friend.
But though AI can give you the right words at the right moment, it cannot journey with you the way a friend can. And the danger of over-reliance on AI is that over time, we may hold humans to machine standards and forget how to tolerate friction and imperfections, a prerequisite for human connection.
Related:
MIDLIFE IS WHEN THE CIRCLE TIGHTENS
My secondary school group gets around scheduling issues by having meet-up rituals. It is still not easy – these sessions have to be arranged a month in advance. But for close to three decades, we have met every festive season and birthday.
We were there through one another’s first relationships, first breakups, first jobs, first house purchases. Now that we have demanding jobs, young kids and ageing parents, we often gather at someone’s home.
Five hours, six women. Everyone talks at once – work changes, kid problems, health scares, family issues and every small win. It is like an IOS update and mass sync.
I know this may not sound terribly exciting. But I have come to realise that in a long friendship, both the extraordinary and ordinary moments compound.
Midlife need not be where friendships go to die. It is precisely when our lives diverge that friendship becomes more intentional. This is the time when relationships either tighten or dissolve.
That said, if you get through this long middle stretch intact, time can transform quiet, unassuming friendships into something irreplaceable.
After all, through heady adolescence, grinding midlife and the bittersweet sunset years, it is a rare privilege and comfort to journey beside a friend.
Annie Tan is a freelance writer based in Singapore.
Continue reading...