I have a confession to make: I’ve been "seeing" a younger Korean guy for almost a decade. But he has no idea that I even exist.
Here’s the kicker: My husband is fully aware of his existence. He might not wholly understand my fascination and admiration for Kai from K-pop group Exo, but he accepts it and even teases me about it.
So what’s the allure? It’s seeing how hard my bias (a term used in K-pop to refer to your favourite member in a group), 31-year-old Kai, constantly strives for perfection in his craft that first drew – then kept – me in the Exo fandom.
I’ve travelled to Seoul for concerts and fan meets, bought CDs for the photocards
I’ve also developed a somewhat unhealthy attachment to all things bear-related, an animal that Exo fans associate with Kai.
To be honest, I struggle when it comes to sharing this part of my life. While I might have plastered my textbooks with photos of UK boy band Take That in secondary school, I stopped fangirling – by definition, to be an enthusiastic admirer of someone, whether male or female – in junior college.
Which is why, now that I’m in my 40s, it makes me wonder if I’m too old to be fangirling again, even more so when I meet much younger fans at Exo concerts.
And of course, there’s always the judgmental looks I
The writer at an EXO fan meet in Seoul, South Korea, in 2023, one of her first trips after the pandemic. (Photo: Vanessa Chia)
But I’m not alone in this journey of later life-stage fangirling.
One woman I know travelled to Las Vegas to see K-pop group BTS perform back in 2022. I’ve heard of C-drama-loving acquaintances turning to Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) remedies, thanks to Chinese actor Zhang Linghe’s charming TCM physician He Suye in The Best Thing. Not to mention friends who travel to Bangkok for fan meets of their favourite Thai idols.
The interesting thing is that we’re all in our 40s, at least.
Sara-Ann Lee, a senior clinical psychologist at The Psychology Practice, said the difference between teenage and adult fangirling is that older women are more cognitively aware of the fantasy element. This allows them to integrate their admiration into their lives more intentionally and help them better distinguish reality from fantasy.
While the intensity and expression may change as we grow older, admiration of beauty, talent and charisma persists across all life stages, said Dr Tabitha Mok, senior consultant psychiatrist at Private Space Medical.
These responses are tied to our brain’s reward systems, which remain active and responsive even as we age, added Dr Mok.
In older women, developing an admiration for younger idols can also “rekindle feelings of vitality, playfulness and self-expression” which professional and caregiving responsibilities often suppress, Dr Mok said.
An older fangirl’s love for BTS sent her to Las Vegas to see the K-pop group in 2022. (Photo: Instagram/bts.bighitofficial)
The writer’s bias is Kai from K-pop group Exo. (Photo: Instagram/zkdlin)
Chinese actor Zhang Linghe. (Photo: Instagram/zhanglinghe_1230)
South Korean actor Kim Seon-ho. (Photo: Instagram/seonho_kim)
Thai actor Archen Aydin. (Photo: Instagram/chen_rcj)
Executive assistant Ann Quek, 41, is a fan of Korean actor Kim Seon-ho. The mother-of two said that as a working mum, “fangirling takes away the stresses in life from the different roles I have – as daughter, mother, wife, colleague and friend”.
Marketing and communications director Mai Jingfeng, said that while she has always dabbled in the fangirling life, she is most at ease with it now that she’s 46.
“It ebbed in my 30s because life got in the way. But now I feel that I’m better able to compartmentalise my life to make time for the ‘light’ things, like Thai actors Archen Aydin and Natachai Boonprasert, that put a smile on my face,” said Mai.
Like everything in life, moderation is key when it comes to fangirling. And to keep you (or your friends) in check, here’s how to read the signs, according to Dr Tabitha Mok, senior consultant psychiatrist at Private Space Medical, and Sara-Ann Lee, a senior clinical psychologist at The Psychology Practice:
In healthy fangirling, you:
In unhealthy fangirling, you:
It’s important to set boundaries, such as scheduling dedicated time to consume content so that it doesn’t take over your life, said Lee.
Ultimately, fangirling, just like any other hobby, should be a form of stress relief, and not leave you feeling worse off.
Collapse Expand
Even though the idol-fan relationship is one-sided, both experts that CNA Women spoke to explained that there are benefits to it.
Done in moderation, these one-sided or parasocial relationships can “support emotional regulation and feelings of connection, providing comfort during periods of loneliness and stress”, said Dr Mok.
“It’s an escape from the everyday. Watching videos of the boys after work is relaxing and a treat, especially after a day of corporate ugliness,” added Mai, who is in a committed relationship.
Media specialist and fan of Shinee's Taemin, Phoebe Khoo, told CNA Women that watching her idol’s content on social media gives her emotional support. “Whenever I’m going through a rough patch or am feeling overwhelmed, Taemin’s music has this uncanny ability to lift me up and shift my mood,” said the 45-year-old.
A 45-year-old fangirl of SHINee’s Taemin said watching his content on social media lifts her mood. (Photo: Instagram/xoalsox)
So while these parasocial relationships may not be reciprocal, the emotional connection generated from resonating deeply with their song lyrics or life stories can still feel realistic, said Lee.
For many women, the idol-fan relationship is “more about inspiration and self-connection rather than fantasy”, said Dr Mok.
Mai said that when she was into K-pop in her early 20s, fangirling motivated her to learn Korean. And now, because of Aydin and Boonprasert, she is going for weekly Thai lessons.
Fangirling also led Khoo to discover new sides to herself. “I’ve started dressing up in styles inspired by Taemin’s different concepts in his music videos. And wanting to ‘match his energy’, I’ve also started working out, in pursuit of becoming a better version of me. I have since lost almost 10kg.”
But that’s not all. Watching Taemin play the piano also gave Khoo the push to finally sign up for lessons – something she has wanted to do for years.
Likewise, Lim May San, 42, a tech professional, told CNA Women that the groups she likes, such as Day6 (her favourite is bassist-vocalist Young K), have a public image of being hardworking and humble, which inspires her to emulate their values. “It reminds me to be a better person for society, as much as I can.”
Lee from The Psychology Practice said: “This form of inspiration and motivation may serve as a catalyst for change and can be empowering.”
Thanks to social media platforms and online forums, finding fan communities and like-minded friends has become much easier. That has, in turn, helped older fangirls feel more comfortable about sharing
Among my WhatsApp group chats, the one I have with my fellow K-pop loving friends is the most active. If we’re not sending memes, photos and videos of our favourite idols, then we’re discussing the best ways to camp out for tickets for the next concert. And one of my newest Exo-L (the name of Exo’s fandom) friends is an American in her 20s whom I met in Seoul at Kai’s solo concert in May.
When your idol loves bears, you end up making sure that your concert outfit includes bears too. (Photo: Vanessa Chia)
Identifying as a fan, especially within supportive communities, can enhance one’s sense of belonging and self-worth, said Lee.
“Modern narratives have shifted to be more accepting of female pleasure, desire and individuality at various stages of life,” she added.
And this shift, along with greater representation of strong, emotionally expressive women in the media, has created a more accepted environment for women to share what they love – even if it falls outside of traditional expectations, Lee said.
Day6 fan Lim, who was into J-pop idols when she was 19, said: “I do see an openness to share [now], which wasn’t quite the case in the early 2000s.”
In addition, the increased public discourse around mental health and self-care is also helping to reframe hobbies and fandoms as valid forms of emotional nourishment rather than signs of immaturity, said Dr Mok.
An EXO concert in Seoul – nothing beats the energy of a K-pop concert on home ground, says the writer. (Photo: Vanessa Chia)
Partners and family can offer safe space too.
Quek’s supportive husband even welcomed a life-sized standee of Kim Seon-ho into their home, which she won at a Singapore fan meet. “Kim Seon-ho has literally been standing by our bedside!”
As for myself, I took my husband to an Exo concert in Osaka, Japan, back in 2018 – my very first K-pop concert – and now he’s watched enough content about Kai that he can even recall things my idol has shared, taking me completely by surprise.
When partners respond with openness and acceptance, it helps reduce feelings of guilt and embarrassment, which can make your admiration feel lighter and healthier, rather than something secretive or shameful, said Dr Mok.
Regardless of age, fangirling is natural and harmless when kept in balance, the psychiatrist added.
Psychologist Lee said much of the criticism of older fangirls
“I don’t subscribe to the idea that age should dictate our interests. I believe in being honest with how I feel,” said Khoo, who has never shied away from talking about her admiration for Taemin.
And as Mai perfectly observed: “If we in our 40s can openly share about hot flushes and perimenopausal symptoms, what’s so embarrassing about being a fangirl?”
CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg.
Continue reading...
Here’s the kicker: My husband is fully aware of his existence. He might not wholly understand my fascination and admiration for Kai from K-pop group Exo, but he accepts it and even teases me about it.
So what’s the allure? It’s seeing how hard my bias (a term used in K-pop to refer to your favourite member in a group), 31-year-old Kai, constantly strives for perfection in his craft that first drew – then kept – me in the Exo fandom.
I’ve travelled to Seoul for concerts and fan meets, bought CDs for the photocards
I’ve also developed a somewhat unhealthy attachment to all things bear-related, an animal that Exo fans associate with Kai.
To be honest, I struggle when it comes to sharing this part of my life. While I might have plastered my textbooks with photos of UK boy band Take That in secondary school, I stopped fangirling – by definition, to be an enthusiastic admirer of someone, whether male or female – in junior college.
Which is why, now that I’m in my 40s, it makes me wonder if I’m too old to be fangirling again, even more so when I meet much younger fans at Exo concerts.
And of course, there’s always the judgmental looks I
The writer at an EXO fan meet in Seoul, South Korea, in 2023, one of her first trips after the pandemic. (Photo: Vanessa Chia)
But I’m not alone in this journey of later life-stage fangirling.
One woman I know travelled to Las Vegas to see K-pop group BTS perform back in 2022. I’ve heard of C-drama-loving acquaintances turning to Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) remedies, thanks to Chinese actor Zhang Linghe’s charming TCM physician He Suye in The Best Thing. Not to mention friends who travel to Bangkok for fan meets of their favourite Thai idols.
The interesting thing is that we’re all in our 40s, at least.
DOES ONE EVER OUTGROW FANGIRLING?
Sara-Ann Lee, a senior clinical psychologist at The Psychology Practice, said the difference between teenage and adult fangirling is that older women are more cognitively aware of the fantasy element. This allows them to integrate their admiration into their lives more intentionally and help them better distinguish reality from fantasy.
While the intensity and expression may change as we grow older, admiration of beauty, talent and charisma persists across all life stages, said Dr Tabitha Mok, senior consultant psychiatrist at Private Space Medical.
These responses are tied to our brain’s reward systems, which remain active and responsive even as we age, added Dr Mok.
In older women, developing an admiration for younger idols can also “rekindle feelings of vitality, playfulness and self-expression” which professional and caregiving responsibilities often suppress, Dr Mok said.
An older fangirl’s love for BTS sent her to Las Vegas to see the K-pop group in 2022. (Photo: Instagram/bts.bighitofficial)
The writer’s bias is Kai from K-pop group Exo. (Photo: Instagram/zkdlin)
Chinese actor Zhang Linghe. (Photo: Instagram/zhanglinghe_1230)
South Korean actor Kim Seon-ho. (Photo: Instagram/seonho_kim)
Thai actor Archen Aydin. (Photo: Instagram/chen_rcj)
Executive assistant Ann Quek, 41, is a fan of Korean actor Kim Seon-ho. The mother-of two said that as a working mum, “fangirling takes away the stresses in life from the different roles I have – as daughter, mother, wife, colleague and friend”.
Marketing and communications director Mai Jingfeng, said that while she has always dabbled in the fangirling life, she is most at ease with it now that she’s 46.
“It ebbed in my 30s because life got in the way. But now I feel that I’m better able to compartmentalise my life to make time for the ‘light’ things, like Thai actors Archen Aydin and Natachai Boonprasert, that put a smile on my face,” said Mai.
HEALTHY VS UNHEALTHY FANGIRLING
Like everything in life, moderation is key when it comes to fangirling. And to keep you (or your friends) in check, here’s how to read the signs, according to Dr Tabitha Mok, senior consultant psychiatrist at Private Space Medical, and Sara-Ann Lee, a senior clinical psychologist at The Psychology Practice:
In healthy fangirling, you:
- Feel happy and have a sense of purpose
- Know how to maintain a balanced perspective between reality and fantasy
- Ensure that it doesn’t interfere with work and family relationships, and your responsibilities
- Can stay financially and emotionally in control
In unhealthy fangirling, you:
- Obsessively consume and overspend on idol content
- Feel intense jealousy or have extreme mood swings when you hear, read or watch idol-related news
- Avoid real-life relationships to focus on your idol
- Withdraw from social or professional obligations
It’s important to set boundaries, such as scheduling dedicated time to consume content so that it doesn’t take over your life, said Lee.
Ultimately, fangirling, just like any other hobby, should be a form of stress relief, and not leave you feeling worse off.
Collapse Expand
A SOURCE OF COMFORT FOR THE FANGIRLS
Even though the idol-fan relationship is one-sided, both experts that CNA Women spoke to explained that there are benefits to it.
Done in moderation, these one-sided or parasocial relationships can “support emotional regulation and feelings of connection, providing comfort during periods of loneliness and stress”, said Dr Mok.
“It’s an escape from the everyday. Watching videos of the boys after work is relaxing and a treat, especially after a day of corporate ugliness,” added Mai, who is in a committed relationship.
Media specialist and fan of Shinee's Taemin, Phoebe Khoo, told CNA Women that watching her idol’s content on social media gives her emotional support. “Whenever I’m going through a rough patch or am feeling overwhelmed, Taemin’s music has this uncanny ability to lift me up and shift my mood,” said the 45-year-old.
A 45-year-old fangirl of SHINee’s Taemin said watching his content on social media lifts her mood. (Photo: Instagram/xoalsox)
So while these parasocial relationships may not be reciprocal, the emotional connection generated from resonating deeply with their song lyrics or life stories can still feel realistic, said Lee.
MORE THAN JUST GOOD LOOKS
For many women, the idol-fan relationship is “more about inspiration and self-connection rather than fantasy”, said Dr Mok.
Mai said that when she was into K-pop in her early 20s, fangirling motivated her to learn Korean. And now, because of Aydin and Boonprasert, she is going for weekly Thai lessons.
Fangirling also led Khoo to discover new sides to herself. “I’ve started dressing up in styles inspired by Taemin’s different concepts in his music videos. And wanting to ‘match his energy’, I’ve also started working out, in pursuit of becoming a better version of me. I have since lost almost 10kg.”
But that’s not all. Watching Taemin play the piano also gave Khoo the push to finally sign up for lessons – something she has wanted to do for years.
Likewise, Lim May San, 42, a tech professional, told CNA Women that the groups she likes, such as Day6 (her favourite is bassist-vocalist Young K), have a public image of being hardworking and humble, which inspires her to emulate their values. “It reminds me to be a better person for society, as much as I can.”
Lee from The Psychology Practice said: “This form of inspiration and motivation may serve as a catalyst for change and can be empowering.”
FINDING THEIR FANGIRLING COMMUNITY
Thanks to social media platforms and online forums, finding fan communities and like-minded friends has become much easier. That has, in turn, helped older fangirls feel more comfortable about sharing
Among my WhatsApp group chats, the one I have with my fellow K-pop loving friends is the most active. If we’re not sending memes, photos and videos of our favourite idols, then we’re discussing the best ways to camp out for tickets for the next concert. And one of my newest Exo-L (the name of Exo’s fandom) friends is an American in her 20s whom I met in Seoul at Kai’s solo concert in May.
When your idol loves bears, you end up making sure that your concert outfit includes bears too. (Photo: Vanessa Chia)
Identifying as a fan, especially within supportive communities, can enhance one’s sense of belonging and self-worth, said Lee.
“Modern narratives have shifted to be more accepting of female pleasure, desire and individuality at various stages of life,” she added.
And this shift, along with greater representation of strong, emotionally expressive women in the media, has created a more accepted environment for women to share what they love – even if it falls outside of traditional expectations, Lee said.
Day6 fan Lim, who was into J-pop idols when she was 19, said: “I do see an openness to share [now], which wasn’t quite the case in the early 2000s.”
In addition, the increased public discourse around mental health and self-care is also helping to reframe hobbies and fandoms as valid forms of emotional nourishment rather than signs of immaturity, said Dr Mok.
An EXO concert in Seoul – nothing beats the energy of a K-pop concert on home ground, says the writer. (Photo: Vanessa Chia)
Partners and family can offer safe space too.
Quek’s supportive husband even welcomed a life-sized standee of Kim Seon-ho into their home, which she won at a Singapore fan meet. “Kim Seon-ho has literally been standing by our bedside!”
As for myself, I took my husband to an Exo concert in Osaka, Japan, back in 2018 – my very first K-pop concert – and now he’s watched enough content about Kai that he can even recall things my idol has shared, taking me completely by surprise.
When partners respond with openness and acceptance, it helps reduce feelings of guilt and embarrassment, which can make your admiration feel lighter and healthier, rather than something secretive or shameful, said Dr Mok.
Regardless of age, fangirling is natural and harmless when kept in balance, the psychiatrist added.
Psychologist Lee said much of the criticism of older fangirls
“I don’t subscribe to the idea that age should dictate our interests. I believe in being honest with how I feel,” said Khoo, who has never shied away from talking about her admiration for Taemin.
And as Mai perfectly observed: “If we in our 40s can openly share about hot flushes and perimenopausal symptoms, what’s so embarrassing about being a fangirl?”
CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg.
Continue reading...