SINGAPORE: When Ms Sonia Elizabeth Rajendra met Mr Jeremy Ashwin Rabensky online in 2023, the pair quickly discovered they had much in common.
Both were twins born 25 years ago, had birthdays close to each other’s, and shared similar values around family and faith.
But while they were eager to make things official by tying the knot, undergoing counselling last year before marriage prompted them to reflect more deeply on their future together.
“It's very easy to get married when you're in love, because the whole process builds up to your wedding. All of it is joy, happiness … but you don't think about the 70, 80 years that you have after that and how important it is,” Ms Rajendra, a lawyer, told CNA.
“(You have to) have all the hard conversations, because it's easy to not have those conversations before you get married and just assume that your partner would agree with you.”
According to counsellors, more young couples like them in Singapore are seeking marriage counselling even before walking down the aisle, with some delaying their wedding plans by up to a year.
They said they have seen about a 20 per cent rise in couples seeking advice over the past year, particularly on issues such as financial management and career goals.
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Experts attributed the growing interest in pre-marital counselling to increased awareness of mental health and reduced stigma around seeking help.
Attitudes towards relationships have been shifting as well, they added, with the younger generations placing greater emphasis on long-term compatibility.
“The new generations, the Gen Z and the millennials, are more savvy in getting help. They don't wait until the problem happens,” said Ms Rachel Cheng, a psychotherapist and counsellor at Singapore-based online counselling and coaching platform Talk Your Heart Out.
Among the issues that can surface are finances, work stress, job security, education, in-laws and how to raise children, Ms Cheng noted.
The aim of pre-marriage counselling is for a couple to sit together and understand what really affects their relationship, she added.
“What’s their couple goals to work on together? How much are they willing to work on that? So that comes (down) to the commitment.”
Mr Jeremy Ashwin Rabensky and Ms Sonia Elizabeth Rajendra speaking to CNA. The couple, who met in 2023, decided to go for marriage counselling before tying the knot.
Dr John Lim, chief wellbeing officer at the Singapore Counselling Centre, agreed that couples are now more deliberate in addressing potential issues early.
The centre has seen a roughly 10 per cent increase year-on-year in couples seeking premarital counselling and guidance, especially after the COVID-19 pandemic.
“They're very interested to identify gaps in the area of compatibility, to identify areas whereby somewhere down the line, that difference can cause serious conflict,” he said.
“They want to talk about it, for example, how to manage finance, who contributes how much, etc, because financial disagreements are actually a leading cause of a lot of conflicts and unhappiness.”
Dr Lim, who is also a wedding solemniser, noted that statistics have shown those who undergo premarital counselling are at lower risk of a divorce in the future.
Such counselling sessions can last from several months to a year, which can put marriage plans on hold.
“I believe that more couples are really very aware now that being dateable is different from being marriageable,” he added.
This comes on the back of a broader trend of people in Singapore marrying later in life.
In 2024, the median age at first marriage rose to 31.1 years old for men - up from 30.2 a decade ago. For women, it increased to 29.6 from 28.2 over the same period.
Even when a couple finally decides to marry, other concerns like living and marriage costs could play a role in delaying marriage, said Associate Professor Hu Shu, head of the sociology programme at the Singapore University of Social Sciences.
“For those who intend to marry eventually, they may be in the process of deciding if their current partner is the one they want to tie the knot with. If yes, then they may be thinking - should they wait until they become more stable in their career development? And maybe they are saving up for the marriage costs, for the marital flat,” she pointed out.
“It’s really about how they plan in terms of their individual career development, in terms of the process of the marriage formation, and the financial costs (and) economic expectation that comes with it,” Assoc Prof Hu said.
She added that compatibility concerns - such as the sharing of duties in housework and parenting - are also shaping decisions.
“Especially for young women who really value gender egalitarianism in their relationship ... they might expect greater involvement of their partner in terms of sharing housework,” she said.
An important factor to consider is how much the father will be involved in childcare if they decide to have children, added Assoc Prof Hu.
For Ms Rajendra’s husband Mr Rabensky, getting premarital counselling helped strengthen their relationship.
“(It was good) having talks about where we live; what are our jobs looking like? Where are we heading into the future, and how do we use the love that's between us and (channel it) into those practical concerns?” the teacher recounted.
“It was quite a wonderful process … you're talking about these big issues, and they're quite pertinent for the whole life.”
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Both were twins born 25 years ago, had birthdays close to each other’s, and shared similar values around family and faith.
But while they were eager to make things official by tying the knot, undergoing counselling last year before marriage prompted them to reflect more deeply on their future together.
“It's very easy to get married when you're in love, because the whole process builds up to your wedding. All of it is joy, happiness … but you don't think about the 70, 80 years that you have after that and how important it is,” Ms Rajendra, a lawyer, told CNA.
“(You have to) have all the hard conversations, because it's easy to not have those conversations before you get married and just assume that your partner would agree with you.”
According to counsellors, more young couples like them in Singapore are seeking marriage counselling even before walking down the aisle, with some delaying their wedding plans by up to a year.
They said they have seen about a 20 per cent rise in couples seeking advice over the past year, particularly on issues such as financial management and career goals.
CNA Games
Show More Show Less
MORE AWARENESS, REDUCED STIGMA
Experts attributed the growing interest in pre-marital counselling to increased awareness of mental health and reduced stigma around seeking help.
Attitudes towards relationships have been shifting as well, they added, with the younger generations placing greater emphasis on long-term compatibility.
“The new generations, the Gen Z and the millennials, are more savvy in getting help. They don't wait until the problem happens,” said Ms Rachel Cheng, a psychotherapist and counsellor at Singapore-based online counselling and coaching platform Talk Your Heart Out.
Among the issues that can surface are finances, work stress, job security, education, in-laws and how to raise children, Ms Cheng noted.
The aim of pre-marriage counselling is for a couple to sit together and understand what really affects their relationship, she added.
“What’s their couple goals to work on together? How much are they willing to work on that? So that comes (down) to the commitment.”
Mr Jeremy Ashwin Rabensky and Ms Sonia Elizabeth Rajendra speaking to CNA. The couple, who met in 2023, decided to go for marriage counselling before tying the knot.
Dr John Lim, chief wellbeing officer at the Singapore Counselling Centre, agreed that couples are now more deliberate in addressing potential issues early.
The centre has seen a roughly 10 per cent increase year-on-year in couples seeking premarital counselling and guidance, especially after the COVID-19 pandemic.
“They're very interested to identify gaps in the area of compatibility, to identify areas whereby somewhere down the line, that difference can cause serious conflict,” he said.
“They want to talk about it, for example, how to manage finance, who contributes how much, etc, because financial disagreements are actually a leading cause of a lot of conflicts and unhappiness.”
Dr Lim, who is also a wedding solemniser, noted that statistics have shown those who undergo premarital counselling are at lower risk of a divorce in the future.
Such counselling sessions can last from several months to a year, which can put marriage plans on hold.
“I believe that more couples are really very aware now that being dateable is different from being marriageable,” he added.
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MARRYING LATER
This comes on the back of a broader trend of people in Singapore marrying later in life.
In 2024, the median age at first marriage rose to 31.1 years old for men - up from 30.2 a decade ago. For women, it increased to 29.6 from 28.2 over the same period.
Even when a couple finally decides to marry, other concerns like living and marriage costs could play a role in delaying marriage, said Associate Professor Hu Shu, head of the sociology programme at the Singapore University of Social Sciences.
“For those who intend to marry eventually, they may be in the process of deciding if their current partner is the one they want to tie the knot with. If yes, then they may be thinking - should they wait until they become more stable in their career development? And maybe they are saving up for the marriage costs, for the marital flat,” she pointed out.
“It’s really about how they plan in terms of their individual career development, in terms of the process of the marriage formation, and the financial costs (and) economic expectation that comes with it,” Assoc Prof Hu said.
She added that compatibility concerns - such as the sharing of duties in housework and parenting - are also shaping decisions.
“Especially for young women who really value gender egalitarianism in their relationship ... they might expect greater involvement of their partner in terms of sharing housework,” she said.
An important factor to consider is how much the father will be involved in childcare if they decide to have children, added Assoc Prof Hu.
For Ms Rajendra’s husband Mr Rabensky, getting premarital counselling helped strengthen their relationship.
“(It was good) having talks about where we live; what are our jobs looking like? Where are we heading into the future, and how do we use the love that's between us and (channel it) into those practical concerns?” the teacher recounted.
“It was quite a wonderful process … you're talking about these big issues, and they're quite pertinent for the whole life.”
Related:
Continue reading...