Recently, a friend shared an amusing story of her marriage solemnisation that got me thinking about names, in particular, husbands’ names.
After their marriage papers had been signed, the Registrar of Marriages turned to her and her husband, and said: "Mr and Mrs Wong, congratulations.”
It was the first time she had been addressed by a name other than the one her parents had given her.
She was startled and nearly turned to her mother-in-law (who, of course, was the more well-established Mrs Wong). In that split second, she realised who was actually being addressed: Herself.
My friend’s experience begs the question: Do women in Singapore take their husband’s name after marriage? Why and why not?
In the United States, about four in five women adopt their husband's surnames, but the numbers for Singapore are less clear. CNA Women spoke to Singapore women to find out more.
NOT A CULTURAL NORM
Changing their name after marriage did not cross some women’s minds simply because it isn’t the norm in their circles. (Photo: iStock/hxyume)
For some women, taking the man’s name after marriage isn’t a cultural norm.
“I don’t see myself taking my husband’s name officially,” said Rebecca Ong, a 26-year-old management executive who is marrying her fiance within the year. “It’s not something my family members or friends in my community have done.”
“I wouldn’t mind being called Mrs Lim and I’m happy, when we have kids, for my family to be known as the Lims,” she said. “But to be called Rebecca Lim seems strange.”
Joan Chia, a 36-year-old staff wellness executive, said: “To me, it’s about sticking to my own family name. I didn’t grow up with my husband’s surname, so I can’t resonate with it and I find it strange if I had to change my name to his.”
Public relations specialist Linda Yusoff echoes this sentiment. Yusoff is of Arab descent and married to a Malay man. In Malay culture, almost all men and women have patronymic names, meaning their father’s name is part of their name.
Linda thus found it unnecessary to take her husband’s name – essentially his father’s name – when they got married. “It’s just not what we’re used to, in either Arab or Malay culture, in Singapore,” the 32-year-old said.
Asya Jamaluddin “didn’t even consider” taking her spouse’s surname when she married her British husband.
“I don’t call myself Asya Jamaludin Bingham like how some of my husband’s relatives do,” the 51-year-old lawyer said. “I’m Asya Jamaludin.”
Her in-laws were puzzled as to why she would not do so, but to her, it was simply a matter of cultural differences.
“Taking my husband’s family name appeared more as an Anglo-American thing to me,” she said. “So when I chose not to and stuck with my father’s name, it seemed like it was a rebellious move, but it’s not the case in my culture or religion as a Malay Muslim.”
It could also be a generational difference, said Audrey Tan.
“My mum would go by Mrs Tan when she was a teacher decades ago, and she’s still referred to as Tan, paired with her English name, today,” the 30-year-old educator said. “But for me and my Chinese friends and relatives around my age, most if not all have stuck to their maiden surnames.”
TAKING HIS NAME FOR PRACTICAL REASONS
Adopting the husband’s name after marriage can offer practical advantages, such as being readily identified as a member of the same family. (Photo: iStock/Pollyana Ventura)
For some women, taking their husband’s family name just makes practical sense.
While Chia goes by her maiden name among friends and relatives, when it comes to matters related to her son, such as his school or doctor, she goes by Mrs Tong. It’s just an easier way to be identified as her son’s mum, she explained.
“It feels weird sometimes to be called Mrs Tong by my son’s teachers,” she said. “But I’ve learned to accept it since it’s for a practical purpose.”
In Maizah Raof’s case, although the 27-year-old does not use her Indian husband’s surname, she said she may have done so “if there was a practical benefit or an advantage to it”, such as being better recognised in her community or if it meant a lot to her husband’s family.
IDENTIFYING AS A WIFE AND DAUGHTER
Some women take into consideration the loss of their own last name or father’s name when taking their husband’s. (Photo: iStock/Nanang Sholahudin)
In most cases, a woman’s surname comes from her father, and many acknowledge the sense of loss they feel, taking their husband’s family name.
Before getting married at 25, Liang May said she was already prepared to change her name as it was a way to show that she was “happily married” to her husband. However, she also had to consider how her father would take to it.
“Before I became a wife, I remember asking my father if I could change my name to my husband’s, but my father said to me, ‘I’m losing my daughter, and now I have to lose my daughter by name too?’,” the 41-year-old said.
While her father does not recall the conversation now, his remark 16 years ago made her hesitate to change her name legally at that time.
“Though I was happy to be known as Mrs Yang rather than Mdm Liang, I still didn’t fully change my surname,” she said. “Instead, I just added Mrs May Yang below Liang May in my IC.”
To legally change their name, one must have a deed poll done at a lawyer’s – the legal document declares that an individual is renouncing their current name and taking a new one.
Names are a means for family members to express respect, love and affection for one another. (Photo: iStock/PeopleImages)
Linda said she appreciates how Malays carry their father’s names. “I have a lot of respect for fathers and I think it’s beautiful when Malay women have their father’s names,” she said. “It’s as though we carry a part of him and our affection for him wherever we go.”
Ong too, said that keeping her last name was a way to respect her parents.
“Both my husband and I become one unit when we marry, and that’s more importantly shown in the way we behave and the way our values come together,” she said. “But by keeping my surname, I am honouring my parents and my father for all they have done to raise me.”
Sarah Samaun (not her real name) said that when she got married at 24, she changed her name as the “romantic idea of being (her) husband’s Mrs” appealed to her.
“But I have come to regret it, not because I don’t love my husband or love being his wife,” the 53-year-old former educator admitted. “It’s because I lost my father’s name, and he has since passed away.”
Her late father even went with her to do the legal paperwork to change her name. She has since reclaimed her maiden name.
Some women choose to retain their birth name out of respect for their fathers and parents. (Photo: MTStock Studio)
In Vanathi Ray’s case, the 38-year-old lawyer grew up with the idea that having a surname was important for one’s identity. “There was a desire to be associated with a name, or to call a name a home,” she said.
“I didn’t have a good relationship with my father, so when I had his name, it really bothered me to be known by it,” she added. “I eventually rejected it and changed my name to Vanathi S. I told myself, ‘Who needs a surname anyway?’”
But she still felt that her identity was “incomplete” and wanted someone whose name she could “belong with”.
“When I met my husband and became his wife, I was very happy to take his name,” Ray said, adding that it was her way of showing him that she loved him. “It makes me glad to have someone I feel I belong with and to do that through his name.”
“Now, I have my mother’s new last name as my middle name, and my husband’s last name as my own,” she added. “I am carrying the names of those I love, and that makes me feel complete.”
CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg.
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After their marriage papers had been signed, the Registrar of Marriages turned to her and her husband, and said: "Mr and Mrs Wong, congratulations.”
It was the first time she had been addressed by a name other than the one her parents had given her.
She was startled and nearly turned to her mother-in-law (who, of course, was the more well-established Mrs Wong). In that split second, she realised who was actually being addressed: Herself.
My friend’s experience begs the question: Do women in Singapore take their husband’s name after marriage? Why and why not?
In the United States, about four in five women adopt their husband's surnames, but the numbers for Singapore are less clear. CNA Women spoke to Singapore women to find out more.
NOT A CULTURAL NORM
Changing their name after marriage did not cross some women’s minds simply because it isn’t the norm in their circles. (Photo: iStock/hxyume)
For some women, taking the man’s name after marriage isn’t a cultural norm.
“I don’t see myself taking my husband’s name officially,” said Rebecca Ong, a 26-year-old management executive who is marrying her fiance within the year. “It’s not something my family members or friends in my community have done.”
“I wouldn’t mind being called Mrs Lim and I’m happy, when we have kids, for my family to be known as the Lims,” she said. “But to be called Rebecca Lim seems strange.”
Joan Chia, a 36-year-old staff wellness executive, said: “To me, it’s about sticking to my own family name. I didn’t grow up with my husband’s surname, so I can’t resonate with it and I find it strange if I had to change my name to his.”
Public relations specialist Linda Yusoff echoes this sentiment. Yusoff is of Arab descent and married to a Malay man. In Malay culture, almost all men and women have patronymic names, meaning their father’s name is part of their name.
Linda thus found it unnecessary to take her husband’s name – essentially his father’s name – when they got married. “It’s just not what we’re used to, in either Arab or Malay culture, in Singapore,” the 32-year-old said.
Asya Jamaluddin “didn’t even consider” taking her spouse’s surname when she married her British husband.
“I don’t call myself Asya Jamaludin Bingham like how some of my husband’s relatives do,” the 51-year-old lawyer said. “I’m Asya Jamaludin.”
Her in-laws were puzzled as to why she would not do so, but to her, it was simply a matter of cultural differences.
“Taking my husband’s family name appeared more as an Anglo-American thing to me,” she said. “So when I chose not to and stuck with my father’s name, it seemed like it was a rebellious move, but it’s not the case in my culture or religion as a Malay Muslim.”
It could also be a generational difference, said Audrey Tan.
“My mum would go by Mrs Tan when she was a teacher decades ago, and she’s still referred to as Tan, paired with her English name, today,” the 30-year-old educator said. “But for me and my Chinese friends and relatives around my age, most if not all have stuck to their maiden surnames.”
Related:
TAKING HIS NAME FOR PRACTICAL REASONS
Adopting the husband’s name after marriage can offer practical advantages, such as being readily identified as a member of the same family. (Photo: iStock/Pollyana Ventura)
For some women, taking their husband’s family name just makes practical sense.
While Chia goes by her maiden name among friends and relatives, when it comes to matters related to her son, such as his school or doctor, she goes by Mrs Tong. It’s just an easier way to be identified as her son’s mum, she explained.
“It feels weird sometimes to be called Mrs Tong by my son’s teachers,” she said. “But I’ve learned to accept it since it’s for a practical purpose.”
In Maizah Raof’s case, although the 27-year-old does not use her Indian husband’s surname, she said she may have done so “if there was a practical benefit or an advantage to it”, such as being better recognised in her community or if it meant a lot to her husband’s family.
IDENTIFYING AS A WIFE AND DAUGHTER
Some women take into consideration the loss of their own last name or father’s name when taking their husband’s. (Photo: iStock/Nanang Sholahudin)
In most cases, a woman’s surname comes from her father, and many acknowledge the sense of loss they feel, taking their husband’s family name.
Before getting married at 25, Liang May said she was already prepared to change her name as it was a way to show that she was “happily married” to her husband. However, she also had to consider how her father would take to it.
“Before I became a wife, I remember asking my father if I could change my name to my husband’s, but my father said to me, ‘I’m losing my daughter, and now I have to lose my daughter by name too?’,” the 41-year-old said.
While her father does not recall the conversation now, his remark 16 years ago made her hesitate to change her name legally at that time.
“Though I was happy to be known as Mrs Yang rather than Mdm Liang, I still didn’t fully change my surname,” she said. “Instead, I just added Mrs May Yang below Liang May in my IC.”
To legally change their name, one must have a deed poll done at a lawyer’s – the legal document declares that an individual is renouncing their current name and taking a new one.
Names are a means for family members to express respect, love and affection for one another. (Photo: iStock/PeopleImages)
Linda said she appreciates how Malays carry their father’s names. “I have a lot of respect for fathers and I think it’s beautiful when Malay women have their father’s names,” she said. “It’s as though we carry a part of him and our affection for him wherever we go.”
Ong too, said that keeping her last name was a way to respect her parents.
“Both my husband and I become one unit when we marry, and that’s more importantly shown in the way we behave and the way our values come together,” she said. “But by keeping my surname, I am honouring my parents and my father for all they have done to raise me.”
Sarah Samaun (not her real name) said that when she got married at 24, she changed her name as the “romantic idea of being (her) husband’s Mrs” appealed to her.
“But I have come to regret it, not because I don’t love my husband or love being his wife,” the 53-year-old former educator admitted. “It’s because I lost my father’s name, and he has since passed away.”
Her late father even went with her to do the legal paperwork to change her name. She has since reclaimed her maiden name.
Some women choose to retain their birth name out of respect for their fathers and parents. (Photo: MTStock Studio)
In Vanathi Ray’s case, the 38-year-old lawyer grew up with the idea that having a surname was important for one’s identity. “There was a desire to be associated with a name, or to call a name a home,” she said.
“I didn’t have a good relationship with my father, so when I had his name, it really bothered me to be known by it,” she added. “I eventually rejected it and changed my name to Vanathi S. I told myself, ‘Who needs a surname anyway?’”
But she still felt that her identity was “incomplete” and wanted someone whose name she could “belong with”.
“When I met my husband and became his wife, I was very happy to take his name,” Ray said, adding that it was her way of showing him that she loved him. “It makes me glad to have someone I feel I belong with and to do that through his name.”
“Now, I have my mother’s new last name as my middle name, and my husband’s last name as my own,” she added. “I am carrying the names of those I love, and that makes me feel complete.”
CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg.
Continue reading...