In partnership with gov.sg
SINGAPORE: At around noon on a Thursday, Marlina Isa’s five-room flat reverberates with sharp cries. Her father is resisting the shower again.
Bathing the 83-year-old can take up to an hour and usually requires at least two pairs of hands.
Mohd Isa Kasiran’s health has been in decline since a stroke in 2018 left him with vascular dementia. A series of epileptic seizures since August last year has made both his body and mind increasingly frail.
“He’s a burly man. It can be a real fiasco getting him ready,” Marlina’s husband, Mohamad Alfian Ismail, says.
The commotion soon draws her 82-year-old mother, Maimunah Abd Hamid, from the next room. She is visibly shaken.
“She has irregular heart rhythm,” Marlina says. “Anything might scare her … She’ll be very affected.”
Moments later, the front door opens to her sons spilling in from school, each with something to tell her.
Marlina, 43, is a quintessential member of the “sandwich generation”. She is the primary carer for her two ailing parents, and a mother of three boys.
(From left to right): Marlina’s sons Akmalul Iman, Adil Hasan and Ammar Ihsan.
Since the middle of last year, she has been on no-pay leave from her social service job to support her dyslexic second son, Adil Hasan, through his Primary School Leaving Examination, and to spend more time caring for her parents.
“(My husband and I) decided that I needed the bandwidth to just focus on the home front and to see what works best,” she recounts.
The effort has been a “balancing act” and nothing short of “all-consuming”, she says.
But she has never considered stepping away. The youngest of four, she grew up in a three-generation household where her grandparents were a constant presence. As her older siblings married and moved out, she stayed at home.
The thought of living apart from her parents has never crossed her mind. “Being able to care for them … like how they cared for us when we were younger,” she says, “is about giving back.”
Years ago, when Marlina and Alfian, 44, were both working full-time, her parents were always around to help with the little ones.
“I don’t think (my children have) ever … come home from school to an empty house,” Marlina says. “There was always, always someone to check in on them.”
For Hasan, 13, the most outgoing of the three, the constant company is a boon. “I never run out of people to talk to,” he says.
Ammar Ihsan, 16, and Hasan remember their grandfather, formerly an Institute of Technical Education carpentry lecturer, helping them with hands-on school projects and conversing with them in Malay to help them with the language.
It is now their turn to help out. Akmalul Iman, 10, often prepares his grandparents’ medication, and the boys are even setting aside their savings for a heartfelt gift: noise-cancelling headphones to ease their grandmother’s nerves.
The boys share a laugh with their grandmother, Maimunah Abd Hamid, during lunch.
Ammar, in particular, is attuned to Marlina’s workload. “Sometimes my brothers don’t know how to read the room, and they’re there in a jolly mood,” he says, “so I’ll try to get them to be more considerate towards my mother.”
The siblings have learnt to be more independent over time and to consider the needs of others before their own, Marlina says.
Daily dinners help the family to stay connected. “Our parents do set aside some time with us,” Ammar says. “(The dining table) is like a place … for us to open up more to our parents.”
Even with these routines, Marlina says it can be exhausting juggling multiple, competing needs. She must pause to take a breath and “see whose priorities are the most urgent at any one point”.
Marlina’s father recently developed medicine refusal, which means she must grind his medication and slip it into his food.
Her father, for one, is becoming less mobile with each epileptic seizure, she says. “With every new health episode, there’s a new normal.”
There are moments when her patience wears thin, she shares — when she snaps at the children for their constant demands, or bristles when her parents blurt out harsh words.
“That’s where the tag team comes in,” Alfian says. “When she has to give more focus to her parents, I’ll step in and attend to the boys, and vice versa.”
Alfian, now the sole breadwinner — working for a non-governmental organisation — has the flexibility to work from home or adjust his schedule so he can share the load.
When the couple first got together, Marlina made one thing clear. “If I were to marry her, (I must) be willing to accept that we’d take care of her parents together,” Alfian recalls.
Mohamad Alfian Ismail with Marlina.
She adds: “It’s a promise that he’s kept to this day.”
And their sons want to follow in their footsteps. “If anything happens to (our parents in future), it’s our obligation as their sons to take care of them,” Ammar says.
Outside her immediate household, Marlina’s three siblings — two of whom live on the same street as her — and several older nieces and nephews help out weekly.
“I only need to text them to say that I’m drowning or I’m very tired, and somebody will appear magically (at) the door,” she says.
Marlina’s siblings and their families gather in her house at least once a week.
Her brothers and nephews, for instance, take on the more physical aspects of caregiving, such as transporting her father to and from day care, assisting him with showers, or taking her mother to medical appointments.
The household also thrives on visitors, as the extended family gathers at least once a week. Even talking about mundane things helps lighten heavy moods and prevents burnout, she says.
The family sometimes holds family “conferences” to discuss their household’s needs and how everyone could chip in, Alfian says. Contributions range from offering time to dropping off a meal. “That’s a culture that I really, really value,” he says.
“I feel very supported in one way or another,” Marlina adds, “whether it’s (for my) children (or my) elderly (parents).”
Her siblings have also helped bridge some financial gaps. Nonetheless, the couple are starting to feel the pinch. Tapping into MediSave, MediShield and their savings to cover expenses has brought its share of worry this past year.
With her father needing more care, their boys looking to tertiary education, and having to save for their own retirement, Marlina and Alfian began exploring social support options.
They were introduced to Silver Generation Ambassadors. These are volunteers with the Agency for Integrated Care (AIC) who check in on seniors and their families and connect them to various support schemes and programmes.
Through the AIC, Marlina applied for the Home Caregiving Grant, which provides up to S$400 per month per recipient to support care for those who require help with at least three activities of daily living, subject to means-testing.
The grant will be increased to up to S$600 per recipient from April next year. This will help cover part of the costs of services such as her father’s dementia day care and her mother’s medication.
Her parents also qualify for the Pioneer Generation Disability Assistance Scheme, which offers S$100 per month for seniors born before 1950 who have permanent moderate disabilities.
Additionally, the family secured a subsidy under the Home Personal Care scheme, which allows trained professionals to assist with care tasks at home.
“(After) his most recent discharge from hospital, we engaged a home personal care assistant to come and help shower my father twice a week,” Marlina shares. “(She was) very empathetic. She was very gentle when dealing with my father.”
Marlina’s sabbatical is set to end in December. And when she returns to work, she thinks “what would help is a flexible workload that would allow (her) to juggle (life) better (and) spend more time with the boys”.
“What I’ve learnt so far is that you can’t do it alone,” she says. “I’ve been very, very blessed to have the immense support that I’ve got.”
Catch the video on CNA Insider’s YouTube channel from 12pm.
Marlina, Alfian and their sons after an evening pickleball match.
Continue reading...
SINGAPORE: At around noon on a Thursday, Marlina Isa’s five-room flat reverberates with sharp cries. Her father is resisting the shower again.
Bathing the 83-year-old can take up to an hour and usually requires at least two pairs of hands.
Mohd Isa Kasiran’s health has been in decline since a stroke in 2018 left him with vascular dementia. A series of epileptic seizures since August last year has made both his body and mind increasingly frail.
“He’s a burly man. It can be a real fiasco getting him ready,” Marlina’s husband, Mohamad Alfian Ismail, says.
The commotion soon draws her 82-year-old mother, Maimunah Abd Hamid, from the next room. She is visibly shaken.
“She has irregular heart rhythm,” Marlina says. “Anything might scare her … She’ll be very affected.”
Moments later, the front door opens to her sons spilling in from school, each with something to tell her.
Marlina, 43, is a quintessential member of the “sandwich generation”. She is the primary carer for her two ailing parents, and a mother of three boys.
(From left to right): Marlina’s sons Akmalul Iman, Adil Hasan and Ammar Ihsan.
Since the middle of last year, she has been on no-pay leave from her social service job to support her dyslexic second son, Adil Hasan, through his Primary School Leaving Examination, and to spend more time caring for her parents.
“(My husband and I) decided that I needed the bandwidth to just focus on the home front and to see what works best,” she recounts.
The effort has been a “balancing act” and nothing short of “all-consuming”, she says.
But she has never considered stepping away. The youngest of four, she grew up in a three-generation household where her grandparents were a constant presence. As her older siblings married and moved out, she stayed at home.
The thought of living apart from her parents has never crossed her mind. “Being able to care for them … like how they cared for us when we were younger,” she says, “is about giving back.”
WHEN GRANDPARENTS ARE ALWAYS AROUND
Years ago, when Marlina and Alfian, 44, were both working full-time, her parents were always around to help with the little ones.
“I don’t think (my children have) ever … come home from school to an empty house,” Marlina says. “There was always, always someone to check in on them.”
For Hasan, 13, the most outgoing of the three, the constant company is a boon. “I never run out of people to talk to,” he says.
Ammar Ihsan, 16, and Hasan remember their grandfather, formerly an Institute of Technical Education carpentry lecturer, helping them with hands-on school projects and conversing with them in Malay to help them with the language.
It is now their turn to help out. Akmalul Iman, 10, often prepares his grandparents’ medication, and the boys are even setting aside their savings for a heartfelt gift: noise-cancelling headphones to ease their grandmother’s nerves.
The boys share a laugh with their grandmother, Maimunah Abd Hamid, during lunch.
Ammar, in particular, is attuned to Marlina’s workload. “Sometimes my brothers don’t know how to read the room, and they’re there in a jolly mood,” he says, “so I’ll try to get them to be more considerate towards my mother.”
The siblings have learnt to be more independent over time and to consider the needs of others before their own, Marlina says.
Daily dinners help the family to stay connected. “Our parents do set aside some time with us,” Ammar says. “(The dining table) is like a place … for us to open up more to our parents.”
THE POWER OF KINSHIP
Even with these routines, Marlina says it can be exhausting juggling multiple, competing needs. She must pause to take a breath and “see whose priorities are the most urgent at any one point”.
Marlina’s father recently developed medicine refusal, which means she must grind his medication and slip it into his food.
Her father, for one, is becoming less mobile with each epileptic seizure, she says. “With every new health episode, there’s a new normal.”
There are moments when her patience wears thin, she shares — when she snaps at the children for their constant demands, or bristles when her parents blurt out harsh words.
“That’s where the tag team comes in,” Alfian says. “When she has to give more focus to her parents, I’ll step in and attend to the boys, and vice versa.”
Alfian, now the sole breadwinner — working for a non-governmental organisation — has the flexibility to work from home or adjust his schedule so he can share the load.
When the couple first got together, Marlina made one thing clear. “If I were to marry her, (I must) be willing to accept that we’d take care of her parents together,” Alfian recalls.
Mohamad Alfian Ismail with Marlina.
She adds: “It’s a promise that he’s kept to this day.”
And their sons want to follow in their footsteps. “If anything happens to (our parents in future), it’s our obligation as their sons to take care of them,” Ammar says.
Outside her immediate household, Marlina’s three siblings — two of whom live on the same street as her — and several older nieces and nephews help out weekly.
“I only need to text them to say that I’m drowning or I’m very tired, and somebody will appear magically (at) the door,” she says.
Marlina’s siblings and their families gather in her house at least once a week.
Her brothers and nephews, for instance, take on the more physical aspects of caregiving, such as transporting her father to and from day care, assisting him with showers, or taking her mother to medical appointments.
The household also thrives on visitors, as the extended family gathers at least once a week. Even talking about mundane things helps lighten heavy moods and prevents burnout, she says.
The family sometimes holds family “conferences” to discuss their household’s needs and how everyone could chip in, Alfian says. Contributions range from offering time to dropping off a meal. “That’s a culture that I really, really value,” he says.
“I feel very supported in one way or another,” Marlina adds, “whether it’s (for my) children (or my) elderly (parents).”
TURNING TO SOCIAL SUPPORT
Her siblings have also helped bridge some financial gaps. Nonetheless, the couple are starting to feel the pinch. Tapping into MediSave, MediShield and their savings to cover expenses has brought its share of worry this past year.
With her father needing more care, their boys looking to tertiary education, and having to save for their own retirement, Marlina and Alfian began exploring social support options.
They were introduced to Silver Generation Ambassadors. These are volunteers with the Agency for Integrated Care (AIC) who check in on seniors and their families and connect them to various support schemes and programmes.
Through the AIC, Marlina applied for the Home Caregiving Grant, which provides up to S$400 per month per recipient to support care for those who require help with at least three activities of daily living, subject to means-testing.
The grant will be increased to up to S$600 per recipient from April next year. This will help cover part of the costs of services such as her father’s dementia day care and her mother’s medication.
Related stories:
Her parents also qualify for the Pioneer Generation Disability Assistance Scheme, which offers S$100 per month for seniors born before 1950 who have permanent moderate disabilities.
Additionally, the family secured a subsidy under the Home Personal Care scheme, which allows trained professionals to assist with care tasks at home.
“(After) his most recent discharge from hospital, we engaged a home personal care assistant to come and help shower my father twice a week,” Marlina shares. “(She was) very empathetic. She was very gentle when dealing with my father.”
Marlina’s sabbatical is set to end in December. And when she returns to work, she thinks “what would help is a flexible workload that would allow (her) to juggle (life) better (and) spend more time with the boys”.
“What I’ve learnt so far is that you can’t do it alone,” she says. “I’ve been very, very blessed to have the immense support that I’ve got.”
Catch the video on CNA Insider’s YouTube channel from 12pm.
Marlina, Alfian and their sons after an evening pickleball match.
You may also be interested in:
Continue reading...