Children are little people with big feelings but they lack the emotional toolkit to manage them. So it is common for young children to throw tantrums.
As a parent, managing tantrums can be challenging, especially when you or your spouse have had a bad day, and are tired or stressed. In such cases, what should parents do to avoid getting caught up in a hurricane of emotions?
“Have a vision of what kind of relationship you want with your teenage children and your adult children. Let that be the main guidepost for how you want to parent your children at the age of three, four or five,” said parenting coach Xie Wanyun.
The mother of three underwent training to be a certified positive parenting coach. Outside of her full-time job as a finance director, she runs positive parenting website Popsicles and Play and Instagram @popsicles_play.
The 38-year-old even took a career break of six months to create a Positive Parenting Academy, an online programme under her website. The academy includes more than 30 hours of self-shot videos, as well as a textbook and workbook.
Xie Wanyun launched Positive Parenting Academy, an online programme that’s part of her Popsicles and Play website, in October 2023. (Photo: Popsicles and Play)
Drawn from her favourite books, workshops, as well as her personal experience and those of parents she has coached, the academy provides parents with comprehensive advice and support on positive parenting. Costing S$15 monthly, it currently has around 150 members.
MANAGING YOUR CHILD’S TANTRUMS
Xie’s positive parenting journey started out of necessity, six or seven years ago. Then a first-time mum, she was overwhelmed by her firstborn’s massive meltdowns as he approached his terrible twos.
“His tantrums were much longer and more intense than a normal child’s would be. He could be screaming for one hour, trashing his limbs. There was no specific action that triggered his meltdowns. And there was no way you could really get through to him,” she said.
“Around the third or fourth time he had a meltdown within a couple of weeks, I broke down. I felt so helpless.”
Xie’s first child, now eight, is a highly sensitive child who used to have meltdowns as a toddler, prompting her to begin her positive parenting journey. (Photo: Popsicles and Play)
She knew such intense tantrums were not typical, and after doing some research, concluded that her son is a highly sensitive child, a personality trait that makes him experience the world more intensely than most.
A slight change in tonality or facial expression, even a sigh, might be picked up, interpreted as a sign of disapproval, and trigger a cascade of emotions, Xie told CNA Women.
The young mother knew instinctively that traditional authoritative parenting methods would not work for him. After an extensive search, she came across positive parenting, a style which combines gentleness and empathy with firm discipline.
Whenever her son had a meltdown, instead of asking him to stop crying, she would validate his emotions by saying, “You look upset”. She’d then guide him to a calm-down corner filled with his favourite toys, cushions and index cards with different emotions on them. Through this, he could learn to calm himself and regulate his emotions.
These little changes made a huge difference. Xie noticed that her son was able to calm down more easily after a tantrum. His tantrums also became shorter.
Over time, he was able to reflect on his emotions, verbalise that he was feeling sad or angry, share what caused him to have the tantrums and give his parents a hug after the meltdown.
Now aged eight, her son uses the same method to help his younger siblings, aged three and five, calm down when they throw a tantrum as well.
A MINDSET SHIFT
That in a nutshell is what positive parenting is about. “It is drawing firm limits and managing your child with respect and empathy within those limits,” said Xie.
“A lot of times parents talk down to their children because they are younger. Parents also tend not to be able to put themselves in the children’s shoes to see things from a two-year-old or three-year-old perspective,” she said.
What’s worse is that parents may yell at or hit their child when he or she is disobedient, Xie said.
“If a child is being screamed at every other day, it’s not great for mental and emotional health as well.
“Instead of physical punishment, parents should coach and guide the child on what she has done wrong, and what are some of the alternatives she could have done instead,” Xie added.
“I see my oldest child use positive parenting techniques towards his two younger siblings when they throw a tantrum, and it is very heartwarming,” said Xie. (Photo: Popsicles and Play)
Sometimes, parents are triggered because of their own emotions – they may be stressed, tired or simply feeling lousy to begin with. Xie admits that even as a positive parenting coach, she has her off days as well.
“Parents need to understand that a lot of the time when they feel angered by the child’s tantrums, it is because of their own emotions, not because of the child’s behaviour or tantrum.
“If you had a great day and are well rested, you would probably react in a more patient way to the same tantrum,” she said.
She suggested that parents be more aware of these factors and learn how to regulate their own emotions.
It would also help if parents accepted that tantrums are part and parcel of a child’s normal development and will not go away until they are six or seven, Xie added.
“If you view the tantrum as the child trying to make you angry or intentionally triggering you, you will feel very triggered. But if you see it as part of their normal natural development, you might be able to regulate your own emotions better,” she said.
She also encouraged parents to shift away from the mindset that they have to stop a tantrum as quickly as possible.
“When the child is screaming, there is no way you can talk any sense into her. If you try to scream on top of her screams, both of you will end up screaming at each other.
“Instead, sit on one side and just tell her, ‘I’m here and when you’re ready to talk to me, you can come to me’. Then, wait it out.
“If you wait it out, the tantrum will end very quickly… If you really time a child’s tantrum, it is only five to 10 minutes. After that, they will go from screaming to just sobbing. That is when you can step in, talk to them about it and calm them down,” she said.
GOING THE DISTANCE
Since tantrums are a natural part of a child’s development, do not expect positive parenting to decrease the frequency of tantrums. What it will do is help parents and children enjoy the journey together more, said Xie.
“How would you be able to enjoy parenthood to its maximum potential if every other day, you are screaming at your child, spanking your child or caught in a power struggle with your children?” she asked.
While parents brought up with more authoritative parenting styles may be more resistant to adopting positive parenting for their children, Xie encouraged them to think long-term.
“A lot of these hard approaches have an instant short-term effect that will not work on older children. And that is when you will feel a disconnect from the child,” she said.
That is what helped Xie stick to positive parenting. “If you do not take time and effort to coach, guide them, or to listen to their side of the story, you cannot expect them to come to you with their problems when they are 16 or 17.
“At the end of the day, I do not want my teenage children to withdraw from me, or to not tell me things,” Xie said.
CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg.
Continue reading...
As a parent, managing tantrums can be challenging, especially when you or your spouse have had a bad day, and are tired or stressed. In such cases, what should parents do to avoid getting caught up in a hurricane of emotions?
“Have a vision of what kind of relationship you want with your teenage children and your adult children. Let that be the main guidepost for how you want to parent your children at the age of three, four or five,” said parenting coach Xie Wanyun.
The mother of three underwent training to be a certified positive parenting coach. Outside of her full-time job as a finance director, she runs positive parenting website Popsicles and Play and Instagram @popsicles_play.
The 38-year-old even took a career break of six months to create a Positive Parenting Academy, an online programme under her website. The academy includes more than 30 hours of self-shot videos, as well as a textbook and workbook.
Xie Wanyun launched Positive Parenting Academy, an online programme that’s part of her Popsicles and Play website, in October 2023. (Photo: Popsicles and Play)
Drawn from her favourite books, workshops, as well as her personal experience and those of parents she has coached, the academy provides parents with comprehensive advice and support on positive parenting. Costing S$15 monthly, it currently has around 150 members.
MANAGING YOUR CHILD’S TANTRUMS
Xie’s positive parenting journey started out of necessity, six or seven years ago. Then a first-time mum, she was overwhelmed by her firstborn’s massive meltdowns as he approached his terrible twos.
“His tantrums were much longer and more intense than a normal child’s would be. He could be screaming for one hour, trashing his limbs. There was no specific action that triggered his meltdowns. And there was no way you could really get through to him,” she said.
“Around the third or fourth time he had a meltdown within a couple of weeks, I broke down. I felt so helpless.”
Xie’s first child, now eight, is a highly sensitive child who used to have meltdowns as a toddler, prompting her to begin her positive parenting journey. (Photo: Popsicles and Play)
She knew such intense tantrums were not typical, and after doing some research, concluded that her son is a highly sensitive child, a personality trait that makes him experience the world more intensely than most.
A slight change in tonality or facial expression, even a sigh, might be picked up, interpreted as a sign of disapproval, and trigger a cascade of emotions, Xie told CNA Women.
The young mother knew instinctively that traditional authoritative parenting methods would not work for him. After an extensive search, she came across positive parenting, a style which combines gentleness and empathy with firm discipline.
Whenever her son had a meltdown, instead of asking him to stop crying, she would validate his emotions by saying, “You look upset”. She’d then guide him to a calm-down corner filled with his favourite toys, cushions and index cards with different emotions on them. Through this, he could learn to calm himself and regulate his emotions.
These little changes made a huge difference. Xie noticed that her son was able to calm down more easily after a tantrum. His tantrums also became shorter.
Over time, he was able to reflect on his emotions, verbalise that he was feeling sad or angry, share what caused him to have the tantrums and give his parents a hug after the meltdown.
Now aged eight, her son uses the same method to help his younger siblings, aged three and five, calm down when they throw a tantrum as well.
A MINDSET SHIFT
That in a nutshell is what positive parenting is about. “It is drawing firm limits and managing your child with respect and empathy within those limits,” said Xie.
“A lot of times parents talk down to their children because they are younger. Parents also tend not to be able to put themselves in the children’s shoes to see things from a two-year-old or three-year-old perspective,” she said.
What’s worse is that parents may yell at or hit their child when he or she is disobedient, Xie said.
“If a child is being screamed at every other day, it’s not great for mental and emotional health as well.
“Instead of physical punishment, parents should coach and guide the child on what she has done wrong, and what are some of the alternatives she could have done instead,” Xie added.
“I see my oldest child use positive parenting techniques towards his two younger siblings when they throw a tantrum, and it is very heartwarming,” said Xie. (Photo: Popsicles and Play)
Sometimes, parents are triggered because of their own emotions – they may be stressed, tired or simply feeling lousy to begin with. Xie admits that even as a positive parenting coach, she has her off days as well.
“Parents need to understand that a lot of the time when they feel angered by the child’s tantrums, it is because of their own emotions, not because of the child’s behaviour or tantrum.
“If you had a great day and are well rested, you would probably react in a more patient way to the same tantrum,” she said.
She suggested that parents be more aware of these factors and learn how to regulate their own emotions.
It would also help if parents accepted that tantrums are part and parcel of a child’s normal development and will not go away until they are six or seven, Xie added.
“If you view the tantrum as the child trying to make you angry or intentionally triggering you, you will feel very triggered. But if you see it as part of their normal natural development, you might be able to regulate your own emotions better,” she said.
She also encouraged parents to shift away from the mindset that they have to stop a tantrum as quickly as possible.
“When the child is screaming, there is no way you can talk any sense into her. If you try to scream on top of her screams, both of you will end up screaming at each other.
“Instead, sit on one side and just tell her, ‘I’m here and when you’re ready to talk to me, you can come to me’. Then, wait it out.
“If you wait it out, the tantrum will end very quickly… If you really time a child’s tantrum, it is only five to 10 minutes. After that, they will go from screaming to just sobbing. That is when you can step in, talk to them about it and calm them down,” she said.
GOING THE DISTANCE
Since tantrums are a natural part of a child’s development, do not expect positive parenting to decrease the frequency of tantrums. What it will do is help parents and children enjoy the journey together more, said Xie.
“How would you be able to enjoy parenthood to its maximum potential if every other day, you are screaming at your child, spanking your child or caught in a power struggle with your children?” she asked.
While parents brought up with more authoritative parenting styles may be more resistant to adopting positive parenting for their children, Xie encouraged them to think long-term.
“A lot of these hard approaches have an instant short-term effect that will not work on older children. And that is when you will feel a disconnect from the child,” she said.
That is what helped Xie stick to positive parenting. “If you do not take time and effort to coach, guide them, or to listen to their side of the story, you cannot expect them to come to you with their problems when they are 16 or 17.
“At the end of the day, I do not want my teenage children to withdraw from me, or to not tell me things,” Xie said.
CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg.
Continue reading...