My husband and I dated for five years before we got married in 2018. We have two daughters. In all the years we’ve been married, I have never once addressed my in-laws as Mum and Dad.
It’s not like we don’t get along or that we’re estranged. My husband’s parents are about a decade older than mine. His father is an American and his mother, a Singaporean Indian.
My husband and I visit them every other weekend with our daughters. We’re always there for family birthdays and Thanksgiving. On Christmas Day, we visit his parents in the morning then celebrate my sister’s birthday with my family in the evening.
We divide our time evenly with my parents – my dad is Chinese and my mum, Eurasian – and exchange quick greetings when we pick up our girls from their place after work.
Once a week, we have tea with them while my daughter attends swimming class at their condo. Sometimes, that extends to dinner. There are also occasional family road trips to Malaysia.
The takeaway from all this is, whether it’s my parents or in-laws, when we get together, it’s a good time.
We have actual conversations with one another. My mother, who still works, swaps work stories with my husband. My husband thinks my dad is hilarious and often quotes zingers on our ride home.
The writer’s in-laws, with her husband Kenneth (left) and their two daughters. (Photo: Jillian Lim)
My father-in-law, who has lived an unbelievably colourful life, is never at a loss for words. Most conversations start with: “Hey, have a look at this”. My mother-in-law never fails to tell me: “You’re looking good, babe”. We know about their lives and vice versa, and we genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
I don’t address them by their first names either. I’m still Asian and I’m scared to. I still want to be respectful.
So, how do we get away with hours-long conversations without me calling them anything? I don’t know. The house is small and we’re usually all sitting right next to each other.
When we got married, my husband found it amusing how jarring it was to call my parents Mum and Dad (my mum’s number is saved in his phone as Mother Sheila).
In the beginning, he would proclaim as he entered their house: “Hi, *pause for dramatic effect* Mum!”. My mum too, would pause, realising that someone who didn’t come out of her was now calling her that.
The use of the title was few and far between to start with and soon stopped altogether. I don’t think they were ever really needed to begin with.
Here’s how a typical conversation would play out at my parents’ place. On arriving, we would say hello and my dad would ask if my husband would like anything to drink. He would respond in the affirmative and receive said beverage with a “thank you”. A follow-up to beverage talk would be him asking my parents if they would like to go for dinner: “Do y’all have any plans for dinner?”.
Is there really a need to tag on a performative “Dad” at the end of each exchange?
At my daughter’s fifth birthday last year, my house was packed with families from both sides. I was sandwiched at the end of the dining table between a wall and a piano – a tactic I usually employ as it means I don’t have to get up to serve people drinks. My husband handles that.
My mother, seated at the other end of the table, asked me to ask my mother-in-law if she would like some tea.
So I stood up from my corner, resulting in two guests having to pull their chairs tightly into the dining table to give me a little gap to shimmy my way out. I walked over to the living room where my mother-in-law was seated and offered her more tea. None needed.
It was at her elder daughter’s birthday party last year that the writer admitted to her mother that she did not call her in-laws anything. (Photo: Jillian Lim)
My mother, noticing this, asked: “Why did you have to get up? Why not just call to her from where you were?” This observation was followed with: “Oh my God, Jillian, what do you call his parents?”
My very frank reply was: “I don’t.”
You would have thought humanity as we knew it had ended with how my mother reacted. “What do you mean! How can you not call them anything?”
Very calmly, I said: “I don’t know? I just wait for eye contact. Or tap them on the shoulder?”
I spoke to a couple of my newly married friends and was truly surprised to hear that most of them addressed their in-laws as Ma or Pa.
It was beginning to look like I was the problem.
Reaching outside my social circle, I found a British and Singaporean-Chinese couple who, like me, don’t call their in-laws anything, or still called them Aunty and Uncle, like when they were dating.
But their situation is unique. His family is based overseas, and he grew up mostly independent of them having gone to boarding school at a young age. She has strained relations with her own parents. As such, his parents are Aunty and Uncle, while he just relies on good ol’ glance-catching – like me.
I wonder then, do titles really reflect family ties and closeness?
Do titles really reflect family ties and closeness, the writer wonders. (Photo: Jillian Lim)
I got to know Gloria Manohan, a 26-year-old nurse who’s been married for two years. Her in-laws are traditional Hindus but they’re taken a rather unconventional approach to how their daughter-in-law addresses them.
I mentioned my situation to Gloria, that while I really enjoy my in-laws’ company and feel close to them, I just don’t call them anything. Should I at least bring back “Aunty” and “Uncle”?
She told me that in her family, it’s normal to refer to in-laws as such. “My in-laws told me to just call them whatever I felt comfortable with – something that I really appreciated.
“They weren’t worried about face but rather respected the process. It’s not that I’ve made a decision to never call them Mum and Dad, just not right now.”
I’ve spoken to my parents about how they feel that my husband doesn’t call them Mum and Dad. They told me they aren’t bothered in the least and barely noticed.
Same goes with my in-laws. When I brought it up to my father in-law, he gave me a very Yank reply: “But we’re still family, ain’t we?”
The writer’s daughters, Lily (left) and Ziggy. (Photo: Jillian Lim)
I view my in-laws as family, for sure. But I have one set of parents whom I love and am loyal to, and therefore they are Mum and Dad. It’s just practical. I don’t do it disrespectfully nor is it received by my in-laws as such.
After being shocked that many of my friends, my age and predominantly Chinese, address their in-laws as Mum and Dad, I had questions. How often do you see them? What do you call them? Do you ever slip up and say Aunty instead?
I was met with an overwhelming, “I try to avoid calling anything at all, but if really no choice, then it’s more respectful than saying Aunty.”
They told me bluntly: Their in-laws are not their biological parents, and as they see them only a couple of times a year – I’m the only one in my group who has children and frequently visits in-laws – the use of titles can be easily avoided altogether with smiles.
The amount of pressure and emotional weight people place on a title feels a little archaic, like something that should’ve been retired along with rigid etiquette rules and calling the radio, the wireless.
The writer’s parents (both standing), with her in-laws – she says her parents-in-law have never viewed it as disrespectful that she doesn’t address them as Mum and Dad. (Photo: Jillian Lim)
At the end of the day, how you treat people matters far more than what you call them. And there’s something to be said for relationships developing naturally instead of being forced into tidy little boxes with labels on them.
I take comfort in knowing neither my parents nor my in-laws are offended by it.
My in-laws are kind, loving, genuinely wonderful people who have always been warm and welcoming to me, no honorary titles required. Calling them Mum and Dad doesn’t magically increase their kindness, nor does skipping the titles diminish it in any way. Respect is there, regardless.
Now, all that said, the moment my daughter looks me dead in the eye and calls me Jill instead of Mum, I will be reversing this entire philosophy immediately. At that point, titles won’t just matter, they will be strictly enforced, laminated, and possibly framed.
CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg.
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It’s not like we don’t get along or that we’re estranged. My husband’s parents are about a decade older than mine. His father is an American and his mother, a Singaporean Indian.
My husband and I visit them every other weekend with our daughters. We’re always there for family birthdays and Thanksgiving. On Christmas Day, we visit his parents in the morning then celebrate my sister’s birthday with my family in the evening.
We divide our time evenly with my parents – my dad is Chinese and my mum, Eurasian – and exchange quick greetings when we pick up our girls from their place after work.
Once a week, we have tea with them while my daughter attends swimming class at their condo. Sometimes, that extends to dinner. There are also occasional family road trips to Malaysia.
The takeaway from all this is, whether it’s my parents or in-laws, when we get together, it’s a good time.
We have actual conversations with one another. My mother, who still works, swaps work stories with my husband. My husband thinks my dad is hilarious and often quotes zingers on our ride home.
The writer’s in-laws, with her husband Kenneth (left) and their two daughters. (Photo: Jillian Lim)
My father-in-law, who has lived an unbelievably colourful life, is never at a loss for words. Most conversations start with: “Hey, have a look at this”. My mother-in-law never fails to tell me: “You’re looking good, babe”. We know about their lives and vice versa, and we genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
I don’t address them by their first names either. I’m still Asian and I’m scared to. I still want to be respectful.
So, how do we get away with hours-long conversations without me calling them anything? I don’t know. The house is small and we’re usually all sitting right next to each other.
IS THERE REALLY A NEED TO CALL ANYONE ANYTHING?
When we got married, my husband found it amusing how jarring it was to call my parents Mum and Dad (my mum’s number is saved in his phone as Mother Sheila).
In the beginning, he would proclaim as he entered their house: “Hi, *pause for dramatic effect* Mum!”. My mum too, would pause, realising that someone who didn’t come out of her was now calling her that.
The use of the title was few and far between to start with and soon stopped altogether. I don’t think they were ever really needed to begin with.
Here’s how a typical conversation would play out at my parents’ place. On arriving, we would say hello and my dad would ask if my husband would like anything to drink. He would respond in the affirmative and receive said beverage with a “thank you”. A follow-up to beverage talk would be him asking my parents if they would like to go for dinner: “Do y’all have any plans for dinner?”.
Is there really a need to tag on a performative “Dad” at the end of each exchange?
"JILLIAN, WHAT DO YOU CALL HIS PARENTS?"
At my daughter’s fifth birthday last year, my house was packed with families from both sides. I was sandwiched at the end of the dining table between a wall and a piano – a tactic I usually employ as it means I don’t have to get up to serve people drinks. My husband handles that.
My mother, seated at the other end of the table, asked me to ask my mother-in-law if she would like some tea.
So I stood up from my corner, resulting in two guests having to pull their chairs tightly into the dining table to give me a little gap to shimmy my way out. I walked over to the living room where my mother-in-law was seated and offered her more tea. None needed.
It was at her elder daughter’s birthday party last year that the writer admitted to her mother that she did not call her in-laws anything. (Photo: Jillian Lim)
My mother, noticing this, asked: “Why did you have to get up? Why not just call to her from where you were?” This observation was followed with: “Oh my God, Jillian, what do you call his parents?”
My very frank reply was: “I don’t.”
You would have thought humanity as we knew it had ended with how my mother reacted. “What do you mean! How can you not call them anything?”
Very calmly, I said: “I don’t know? I just wait for eye contact. Or tap them on the shoulder?”
PERHAPS "AUNTY" AND "UNCLE" IS ENOUGH
I spoke to a couple of my newly married friends and was truly surprised to hear that most of them addressed their in-laws as Ma or Pa.
It was beginning to look like I was the problem.
Reaching outside my social circle, I found a British and Singaporean-Chinese couple who, like me, don’t call their in-laws anything, or still called them Aunty and Uncle, like when they were dating.
But their situation is unique. His family is based overseas, and he grew up mostly independent of them having gone to boarding school at a young age. She has strained relations with her own parents. As such, his parents are Aunty and Uncle, while he just relies on good ol’ glance-catching – like me.
I wonder then, do titles really reflect family ties and closeness?
Do titles really reflect family ties and closeness, the writer wonders. (Photo: Jillian Lim)
I got to know Gloria Manohan, a 26-year-old nurse who’s been married for two years. Her in-laws are traditional Hindus but they’re taken a rather unconventional approach to how their daughter-in-law addresses them.
I mentioned my situation to Gloria, that while I really enjoy my in-laws’ company and feel close to them, I just don’t call them anything. Should I at least bring back “Aunty” and “Uncle”?
She told me that in her family, it’s normal to refer to in-laws as such. “My in-laws told me to just call them whatever I felt comfortable with – something that I really appreciated.
“They weren’t worried about face but rather respected the process. It’s not that I’ve made a decision to never call them Mum and Dad, just not right now.”
HOW YOU TREAT PEOPLE MATTERS MORE THAN WHAT YOU CALL THEM
I’ve spoken to my parents about how they feel that my husband doesn’t call them Mum and Dad. They told me they aren’t bothered in the least and barely noticed.
Same goes with my in-laws. When I brought it up to my father in-law, he gave me a very Yank reply: “But we’re still family, ain’t we?”
The writer’s daughters, Lily (left) and Ziggy. (Photo: Jillian Lim)
I view my in-laws as family, for sure. But I have one set of parents whom I love and am loyal to, and therefore they are Mum and Dad. It’s just practical. I don’t do it disrespectfully nor is it received by my in-laws as such.
After being shocked that many of my friends, my age and predominantly Chinese, address their in-laws as Mum and Dad, I had questions. How often do you see them? What do you call them? Do you ever slip up and say Aunty instead?
I was met with an overwhelming, “I try to avoid calling anything at all, but if really no choice, then it’s more respectful than saying Aunty.”
They told me bluntly: Their in-laws are not their biological parents, and as they see them only a couple of times a year – I’m the only one in my group who has children and frequently visits in-laws – the use of titles can be easily avoided altogether with smiles.
The amount of pressure and emotional weight people place on a title feels a little archaic, like something that should’ve been retired along with rigid etiquette rules and calling the radio, the wireless.
The writer’s parents (both standing), with her in-laws – she says her parents-in-law have never viewed it as disrespectful that she doesn’t address them as Mum and Dad. (Photo: Jillian Lim)
At the end of the day, how you treat people matters far more than what you call them. And there’s something to be said for relationships developing naturally instead of being forced into tidy little boxes with labels on them.
I take comfort in knowing neither my parents nor my in-laws are offended by it.
My in-laws are kind, loving, genuinely wonderful people who have always been warm and welcoming to me, no honorary titles required. Calling them Mum and Dad doesn’t magically increase their kindness, nor does skipping the titles diminish it in any way. Respect is there, regardless.
Now, all that said, the moment my daughter looks me dead in the eye and calls me Jill instead of Mum, I will be reversing this entire philosophy immediately. At that point, titles won’t just matter, they will be strictly enforced, laminated, and possibly framed.
CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg.
Continue reading...