SINGAPORE: As a child, Stacey Nonis was often the target of her mother’s volatility.
If she came home late from school, even for reasons beyond her control, she would be beaten and made to kneel in her uniform outside their flat, in full view of the neighbours.
It was, she recalls, “a horrific and traumatic experience”, marked by anger and verbal abuse from her mother, Daphne, who lives with schizophrenia.
For years, her refuge was her father, Francis. “I’m definitely a daddy’s girl,” she says. “He’s my emotional support. He’s been there for me since day one.”
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Today, the roles are reversed. Her father is 90, frail and prone to sudden health crises. And at 45, she is both the sole carer and breadwinner for her parents.
Stacey Nonis celebrating her father Francis Nonis’ 90th birthday.
She juggles between her full-time job as a partnerships manager in the Singapore Kindness Movement and managing meals, medications and emergencies around the clock.
“I’m terrified of losing my dad,” says the only child. “I don’t want to be left alone with my mum. I’m completely paralysed (when) thinking about how to manage her.”
Understanding is possible, she has learnt through therapy. Forgiveness is harder. “There are days when I think, she wasn’t that great a mum, what? Then why must I be such a super caregiver?” she wonders. “Does she really deserve it?”
There are moments that strain her patience, like when her 70-year-old mother ignored dietary restrictions and fed her father food that triggered a medical emergency.
Stacey Nonis had prepared a list of foods her gastritis-prone father must avoid.
Yet beneath the frustration, there is love, complicated but undeniable. “Who better to look after her than me? She only has us,” Nonis says, fighting back tears. “Clearly, I love her. … But it’s very hard to admit.”
As household sizes shrink and only children become more common in Singapore, more adults may find themselves in a similar position to hers, carrying the full weight of caregiving, perhaps shaped by relationships that are far from simple.
She is one of four individuals whom the On The Red Dot series, Left To Care, follows as they care for ailing loved ones on their own — even as they confront their own fears, health struggles and personal sacrifices.
What keeps them going?
Nonis’ father has been in and out of hospital since 2022 — after a fall, a heart attack and recurring gastritis.
Her mother’s schizophrenia, though stabilised since her discharge from the Institute of Mental Health in 1998, requires monitoring and carries the risk of relapse.
“There’s no such thing as taking a break from caregiving. I’m literally on duty 24/7,” Nonis says. Even at work, she checks her home’s closed-circuit television, watching for signs that something might be wrong.
“As a caregiver, you never know when a crisis will strike.”
WATCH PART 1: Singapore’s sole caregivers under 24/7 pressure (22:51)
That same sense of vigilance shapes the life of Mabel Kerk, 40, a divorced mother of three. She recently returned to the office as an accountant, but her focus remains on her youngest son.
Benedict Tang has a genetic condition known as HIDEA syndrome, believed to be the only case in the Asia-Pacific. He cannot breathe, eat or see on his own and depends on round-the-clock care.
The five-year-old’s condition can deteriorate rapidly and without warning. When his oxygen level drops, his body can turn blue, and he must be resuscitated within a minute.
“When I decided to work in the office, my main concern was Benedict,” Kerk says. “If my helper doesn’t respond fast enough to the alarm to provide (Benedict with) sufficient oxygen, … he’ll just die.”
Kerk with her three sons (left to right): Brendan, seven, Bernard, 11, and Benedict, five.
For Cocoanna Christian, 47, the pressures of caregiving are compounded by her own illnesses. She cares for her husband, Chia Meng Hua, 55, who has mobility issues after a stroke and lives with schizophrenia.
She also suffers from kidney failure and advanced heart disease — her heart function is at about 35 per cent — and undergoes dialysis several times a week. “My heart can stop anytime,” she says.
Her greatest fear, however, is not for herself but for her husband when she is gone — “that if he’s too lonely, he might shut down because (of his) mental illness … (and) cause harm to himself or to others”.
His siblings are not close to him and have their own families and children to care for. On her side, she is left with an older sister, who likewise has family responsibilities.
Imran Wee, 45, faces a similar reality. He cares for his 87-year-old mother with dementia, Nora Sanib, without any extended family support, constantly monitoring her to keep her safe with the help of neighbours as his “extra pair of eyes”.
WATCH PART 2: Caregivers alone in crisis — Missed calls and emergencies (22:22)
“When she actually goes out, I’m afraid that she might lose her way,” he says. “And if she crosses the road, there might be danger.”
His sense of responsibility is partly shaped by guilt. He was imprisoned in 2011 for drug trafficking for 12 and a half years. During that time, his mother was diagnosed with dementia, which he fully grasped only after his release.
“The feeling of guilt, helplessness (in) my role as a son makes me prioritise this caregiving role now over any other things — my career, even my love life,” he says.
It contributed to the breakdown of his marriage in 2022. And he has been cautious about romancing anyone new since then.
WATCH PART 3: Can sole caregivers have a life of their own? (22:51)
While caregiving is not something these four individuals can walk away from, neither is it something that stands still.
Nonis has learnt to see her mother differently. During filming, she surprised herself when she tearfully said she loved her mum, and since then her relationship with her mother has begun to change.
What was once defined by duty has taken on a more personal dimension. After her mother’s psychiatric appointments, Nonis now makes time to sit down with her, talk and share a meal.
“It’s like forming a brand-new friendship with my mum,” she says. That has also opened the door to difficult conversations about, for example, end-of-life decisions including resuscitation preferences.
Her father wants to be resuscitated. Her mother does not, if being kept alive in a critical state means becoming a burden to her daughter. “Who’d say such a thing except a mum who really loves her daughter?” Nonis reflects.
A kind of closeness between daughter and mother began to grow during filming.
For Kerk, what keeps her going is hope. Benedict, who cannot speak and was once thought to be unable to see, is learning to use an eye-gaze device at the Cerebral Palsy Alliance Singapore.
The assistive technology tracks his eye movements, allowing him to interact with a screen and eventually form words. “I hope he’ll be able to communicate and tell me what he wants,” she says.
He also uses the device at home, where his brothers, Bernard and Brendan, join him in play.
“Other parents may hope he can say, ‘Mummy, I love you,’” Kerk says, choking up. “I’d prefer (him to) complain — something like, ‘Mummy, I need you, need (your) attention.’”
She adds: “No matter what happens, … he’ll always have me by his side.”
Such a promise is harder for Christian to make. Diagnosed with stage five heart failure, she has had legal documents drawn up, such as a Lasting Power of Attorney, and made plans for her husband’s care and living arrangements.
WATCH PART 4: What happens when a sole caregiver dies first? (22:51)
She is working to build his independence while she still can, guiding him through familiar routes in the neighbourhood and helping him learn to navigate outdoors safely.
She is also supporting his application for a personal mobility aid so he can run errands on his own. “I need to prepare him, because he’s very reliant on me,” she says.
Wee has also begun to look forward. After focusing almost entirely on his mother for years, he agreed to meet someone new, a woman who had come across his caregiving videos on TikTok and was caring for her mother herself.
He still hopes to start a family one day, a wish his mother seems to support in her moments of clarity. But the date he went on did not lead to a relationship.
Imran Wee and his mother, Nora Sanib, enjoying a day out in Changi Park.
“The strong feeling that I’d still prioritise my mum is something that I’d need to get over,” he says.
“As long as I’m a caregiver, that’s the choice that I make. Probably someday my heart might open up, or probably when I’m not a caregiver any more. I don’t know.”
Watch the On The Red Dot series, Left To Care, here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4. The programme airs on Channel 5 every Friday at 9.30pm.
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If she came home late from school, even for reasons beyond her control, she would be beaten and made to kneel in her uniform outside their flat, in full view of the neighbours.
It was, she recalls, “a horrific and traumatic experience”, marked by anger and verbal abuse from her mother, Daphne, who lives with schizophrenia.
For years, her refuge was her father, Francis. “I’m definitely a daddy’s girl,” she says. “He’s my emotional support. He’s been there for me since day one.”
CNA Games
Show More Show Less
Today, the roles are reversed. Her father is 90, frail and prone to sudden health crises. And at 45, she is both the sole carer and breadwinner for her parents.
Stacey Nonis celebrating her father Francis Nonis’ 90th birthday.
She juggles between her full-time job as a partnerships manager in the Singapore Kindness Movement and managing meals, medications and emergencies around the clock.
“I’m terrified of losing my dad,” says the only child. “I don’t want to be left alone with my mum. I’m completely paralysed (when) thinking about how to manage her.”
Understanding is possible, she has learnt through therapy. Forgiveness is harder. “There are days when I think, she wasn’t that great a mum, what? Then why must I be such a super caregiver?” she wonders. “Does she really deserve it?”
There are moments that strain her patience, like when her 70-year-old mother ignored dietary restrictions and fed her father food that triggered a medical emergency.
Stacey Nonis had prepared a list of foods her gastritis-prone father must avoid.
Yet beneath the frustration, there is love, complicated but undeniable. “Who better to look after her than me? She only has us,” Nonis says, fighting back tears. “Clearly, I love her. … But it’s very hard to admit.”
As household sizes shrink and only children become more common in Singapore, more adults may find themselves in a similar position to hers, carrying the full weight of caregiving, perhaps shaped by relationships that are far from simple.
She is one of four individuals whom the On The Red Dot series, Left To Care, follows as they care for ailing loved ones on their own — even as they confront their own fears, health struggles and personal sacrifices.
What keeps them going?
CARE, WITHOUT PAUSE
Nonis’ father has been in and out of hospital since 2022 — after a fall, a heart attack and recurring gastritis.
Her mother’s schizophrenia, though stabilised since her discharge from the Institute of Mental Health in 1998, requires monitoring and carries the risk of relapse.
“There’s no such thing as taking a break from caregiving. I’m literally on duty 24/7,” Nonis says. Even at work, she checks her home’s closed-circuit television, watching for signs that something might be wrong.
“As a caregiver, you never know when a crisis will strike.”
WATCH PART 1: Singapore’s sole caregivers under 24/7 pressure (22:51)
That same sense of vigilance shapes the life of Mabel Kerk, 40, a divorced mother of three. She recently returned to the office as an accountant, but her focus remains on her youngest son.
Benedict Tang has a genetic condition known as HIDEA syndrome, believed to be the only case in the Asia-Pacific. He cannot breathe, eat or see on his own and depends on round-the-clock care.
The five-year-old’s condition can deteriorate rapidly and without warning. When his oxygen level drops, his body can turn blue, and he must be resuscitated within a minute.
“When I decided to work in the office, my main concern was Benedict,” Kerk says. “If my helper doesn’t respond fast enough to the alarm to provide (Benedict with) sufficient oxygen, … he’ll just die.”
Kerk with her three sons (left to right): Brendan, seven, Bernard, 11, and Benedict, five.
For Cocoanna Christian, 47, the pressures of caregiving are compounded by her own illnesses. She cares for her husband, Chia Meng Hua, 55, who has mobility issues after a stroke and lives with schizophrenia.
She also suffers from kidney failure and advanced heart disease — her heart function is at about 35 per cent — and undergoes dialysis several times a week. “My heart can stop anytime,” she says.
Her greatest fear, however, is not for herself but for her husband when she is gone — “that if he’s too lonely, he might shut down because (of his) mental illness … (and) cause harm to himself or to others”.
His siblings are not close to him and have their own families and children to care for. On her side, she is left with an older sister, who likewise has family responsibilities.
Imran Wee, 45, faces a similar reality. He cares for his 87-year-old mother with dementia, Nora Sanib, without any extended family support, constantly monitoring her to keep her safe with the help of neighbours as his “extra pair of eyes”.
WATCH PART 2: Caregivers alone in crisis — Missed calls and emergencies (22:22)
“When she actually goes out, I’m afraid that she might lose her way,” he says. “And if she crosses the road, there might be danger.”
His sense of responsibility is partly shaped by guilt. He was imprisoned in 2011 for drug trafficking for 12 and a half years. During that time, his mother was diagnosed with dementia, which he fully grasped only after his release.
“The feeling of guilt, helplessness (in) my role as a son makes me prioritise this caregiving role now over any other things — my career, even my love life,” he says.
It contributed to the breakdown of his marriage in 2022. And he has been cautious about romancing anyone new since then.
WATCH PART 3: Can sole caregivers have a life of their own? (22:51)
FINDING A WAY FORWARD
While caregiving is not something these four individuals can walk away from, neither is it something that stands still.
Nonis has learnt to see her mother differently. During filming, she surprised herself when she tearfully said she loved her mum, and since then her relationship with her mother has begun to change.
What was once defined by duty has taken on a more personal dimension. After her mother’s psychiatric appointments, Nonis now makes time to sit down with her, talk and share a meal.
“It’s like forming a brand-new friendship with my mum,” she says. That has also opened the door to difficult conversations about, for example, end-of-life decisions including resuscitation preferences.
Her father wants to be resuscitated. Her mother does not, if being kept alive in a critical state means becoming a burden to her daughter. “Who’d say such a thing except a mum who really loves her daughter?” Nonis reflects.
A kind of closeness between daughter and mother began to grow during filming.
For Kerk, what keeps her going is hope. Benedict, who cannot speak and was once thought to be unable to see, is learning to use an eye-gaze device at the Cerebral Palsy Alliance Singapore.
The assistive technology tracks his eye movements, allowing him to interact with a screen and eventually form words. “I hope he’ll be able to communicate and tell me what he wants,” she says.
He also uses the device at home, where his brothers, Bernard and Brendan, join him in play.
“Other parents may hope he can say, ‘Mummy, I love you,’” Kerk says, choking up. “I’d prefer (him to) complain — something like, ‘Mummy, I need you, need (your) attention.’”
She adds: “No matter what happens, … he’ll always have me by his side.”
Such a promise is harder for Christian to make. Diagnosed with stage five heart failure, she has had legal documents drawn up, such as a Lasting Power of Attorney, and made plans for her husband’s care and living arrangements.
WATCH PART 4: What happens when a sole caregiver dies first? (22:51)
She is working to build his independence while she still can, guiding him through familiar routes in the neighbourhood and helping him learn to navigate outdoors safely.
She is also supporting his application for a personal mobility aid so he can run errands on his own. “I need to prepare him, because he’s very reliant on me,” she says.
Wee has also begun to look forward. After focusing almost entirely on his mother for years, he agreed to meet someone new, a woman who had come across his caregiving videos on TikTok and was caring for her mother herself.
He still hopes to start a family one day, a wish his mother seems to support in her moments of clarity. But the date he went on did not lead to a relationship.
Imran Wee and his mother, Nora Sanib, enjoying a day out in Changi Park.
“The strong feeling that I’d still prioritise my mum is something that I’d need to get over,” he says.
“As long as I’m a caregiver, that’s the choice that I make. Probably someday my heart might open up, or probably when I’m not a caregiver any more. I don’t know.”
Watch the On The Red Dot series, Left To Care, here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4. The programme airs on Channel 5 every Friday at 9.30pm.
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